Dark. Damp. Cold. Sound of leaves and branches breaking. Owls hooting, crickets chirping. Shadows. I was at the place and at its time that most deserves respect. The woods, in the middle of a night of new moon. What if had He summoned me again? I heard another noise, a bit louder this time, and couldn’t keep from screaming. I began to cry. There still was and still is so much that I don’t know, that I don’t understand...
“Sire...” I tried to whisper and repeat many a time, despite the mental whirlwind. I didn’t know whether he’d hear me, but I did it anyway. For what felt like a long while I heard only the silence of the woods and thought I was truly alone. Until...
“Hey, girl...” the rare thing that I more easily noticed in the cards, but that also would come from my heart, as I tend to ask for. Words that sound with my voice, as one of my thoughts, but not really, for they were too fast and also too paused and wise to be fully mine. Despite my doubts that came from time to time, my limitations and answers either vague or as clear as a waterfall, as far as I know, all this time, the one who’s been interacting with me, calling for me, to whom I opened the door of my life... Was Him.
“Lord of every tree, song of the birds and the wind, humblest majesty!” was what I shouted to the dark, swallowing a sob. A sort of prayer I’d written down and which I knew a few parts of by heart. Silence.
“Master... Lord. My prince. I am yours, I am my own and yours. You are welcome to my house, to my body...” I waited, waited and waited a bit longer. A brusk blow of wind made me shiver. Then, upon repeating what I’m used to saying, I felt the old goosebump, stronger than ever, which was not out of cold. It was not as if he was stroking me from afar, busy in his affairs yet aware of my devotion, of the strength in what I say, like the words that brought him to me. Even though I couldn’t see him, it was as though he was next to me, and at the same time, was not. I waited.
“Calm. Come.” He said, very low and softly like a distant spray of perfume.
“Where to, Sire? It’s dark...” more waiting.
“I know. Patience. Trust.”
“I am... A forest. I’m just a little bird. Just... A little bird.” Was what I whispered to the earth when I laid in my stomach, trying to feel the terrain and hear the voice that is said to come from underground. Then my nails noticed an unevenness on the soil. It seemed like an animal’s pawprint. Medium to large an animal. I wondered whether the prince was really around there.
“Come. It’s alright. Just come.”
The darkness I was facing there was nothing like I had ever experienced before. It was dense, way too heavy, a bit due to the thin line of the moon. I almost felt like the worms, doing everything based on the sense of touch. I don’t know how, but I started to crawl on the ground at times hard, at other times soft, with the body weighing a ton and without even knowing well what I was doing and very likely being eaten up by the mosquitos and other animals as I crossed over them, which was quite fair. That was not even a little like the other time His Lordship had spoken to me. And if He had not summoned me... What was going on?
At a certain point, I was exhausted and must have fallen asleep. I woke up with the feeling of something against my face and of being on what seemed like a smooth and slightly warmed surface, like a rock near the fire, but with my head elevated upon what I realized was the Mentor’s lap. I wanted to move, but he stopped me with a determined hiss and went on brushing the piece of wet rag over my face and hair, his other hand under my nape. He seemed worried, for he’d whisper under his teeth.
“What a shambles...”
“Forgive me, Sire. I...”
“It’s alright. That can be fixed. Can you stand up?” I pushed my legs out, but even there I had the same physical limitations as always. I induced him to sustain me as I raised myself to sit on the rock; did more strength than the normal because I didn’t want to look lazy. My legs were too short for that height and I wasn’t used to it yet, so I kept his hands on my torso so as to balance me, on his knees before me.
“Go raibh míle maith agaibh, a chuisle mo chroí.” Thank you very much, my love. He waved the head and smiled. I looked at myself I liked not what I saw; that is not the way one meets a king. I was scratched and dirty, but at least felt no pain. Without taking one of his hands off me, with the other the Lord wetted another rag and gave it to me so that I could examine and clean up where he didn’t feel allowed to touch. My body vibrated and tingled from being close to him.
“Fire of my heart, shock of my spine...” I bowed the head in reverence. “Is this your home? Your favourite home?” then the Mentor smiled again, lifted my chin, and straightened my back under the pressure of his palms, like in the other time.
“That’s it, very good. Look at me, woman.” Pause. “Well, as you know, all forests are my home, in this world and the others. But no, these are not the woods dearest to my heart. And no, I did not summon you this time. You don’t know why you are here, is that it?” he sighed when I shook my head, then he said he had an idea of the reason, but wanted to wait a bit just to be sure. Then he asked me whether I wanted some tea.
“I accept, my lord.” Since he’d walk away to make the tea, the Lord was afraid I’d fall off the rock upon releasing me, so he fastened one of my arms around his own neck, lifted me and left me on the ground, against the wall of the sort of cavern where we were. It was a little sharp, but next to what I’d been through, it was nothing.
“There, there... Wait just a wee bit, I’ll be right back.” His Lordship got up, almost as tall as an oak tree compared to me. Grabbing a bowl, he left the cavern passing me by and toward the darkness. With some focus, I could hear the sound of water, although it seemed distant. I heard the large steps of the Lord again, and another pause. He returned with the bowl full and something I couldn’t identify on the other hand.
I saw the Lord sit upon the stone where I had been, and, resting the bowl and the other ingredient, rubbed his hands as one does when they feel cold. He touched his palms to the sides of the bowl and breathed deeply and slowly. Soon I saw a wisp of smoke curling up from it. Then he pressed the ingredient in his hands, blew in between them, and threw it in the bowl. From time to time he smiled at me and admired the infusion with the corner of his eye, covered by a cloth. Once it was ready, he brought it to me. Hibiscus, by the lovely color and smell.
“Try it, see if it’s not too strong. And be careful.”
As slowly as possible because of my trembling hand, I tried it. It was at a temperature that didn’t make me jump and spill everything... The air still and quiet around me like when he came to me. And the tea, brewed to perfection. Of course he knew about those things.
“It’s excellent, Sire. Thank you. How long since I’ve drunk this one...” I smiled at the petals of hibiscus that floated in the warm water.
“The young woman deserved some comfort after what happened. And it was what I could find without going too far away from here. Besides, as you might know, it’s good for pain and swelling. A beautiful flower...” murmured the master, sitting on the ground next to me and hugging his own legs.
“Yes, it is, sir. Thank you once again, for not forsaking me." I’d still get baffled at how gentle that lofty, wild being who never apologized for it could be, and vice-versa. But I guess what I needed to learn was that all nature was that way. Neutral, and beautiful for being neutral. Hibiscus, for instance, when used a certain way, could sore the throat and cause stomach aches, nausea, etc.
Long pause. What came after was no more than a whisper.
“The young woman knows where I am.” He landed a hand on my shoulder, the palm stained red from the hibiscus, and the fingers blackened by dirt. “Finish your tea slowly, rest a wee longer. We think about the rest later.”
It was a pleasured to obey him, for with him I was free to disobey, close the door and never let him in again, for He understands and respects the meaning of NO, as automatic as it is for me to obey orders, even if I don’t agree with them. He does not abuse his power and capacity over others to impose his will or alleged intentions and never goes where he’s not allowed in. The love he had and lost must be handed willingly; even being who he is, powerful like that, regardless of the response from the mortals. The authority His Lordship has over me was given by myself and by myself can be retrieved if I so desire.
After drinking the tea and trying to sharpen my senses and enjoy the sensations that came from it, I put the bowl aside and peered at Him. He had a frown and I think I heard something like a growl coming from him. His hands with long fingers and nails, like mine tended to be as well, seemed to scratch the stone ground in a defensive gesture.
“Sire... What should I do now?” I inquired carefully.
The master gazed me for a long while, then came closer, opening his hand upon my heart and made a small grimace that soon relaxed. I felt like I was bubbling from within.
“For a while now the young woman has been asking me for something. That I help you and love you and take you to those who can guide you where my limits don’t reach. And I always keep my promises. Right?” I agreed. He really listened to me, he really cared.
“You always provide me the resources, tell me where to find them, make me think and try... Back to what matters and I forgot, and it’s up to me to use them or not. I’m grateful, as you know.” How I loved to be his reason to smile... How humble I was, but also so strong, in his hands. Not that I never had been, but... Wasn’t that what true love did? Enlarge us in our smallness?
“Very good...” pause. “It wasn’t any different this time. I told you whom to speak to, where to look at, what to try... Where to go. That is why this forest is different and why the young woman came here. The young woman really followed my advice. Now I realize...”
“What you mean, my liege?”
“I felt it when I left to fetch the water and the hibiscus. All forests are the same at their core, but also carry within them something special that differentiates them from the others.”
“The animals... Plants... The weather... Whether it’s preserved or violated and how it deals with that.” He bit his lip and nodded. I felt as if I was burning when he moved his hand a millimeter.
“That’s why the young woman can’t walk through here like you did when we were together.” Pause. “This soil that is barren but full of life underneath that I stepped on and you crawled over without seeing, this air, this water, each and every flower, leaf, and beast here... Smells like you and has your mark on it. Is as yours as it’s mine. You brought yourself here.”
“I am... a forest. I am... A little bird.” Was what I caught myself repeating. The Lord gestured for me to continue. “A flower, a goodly tree, a bountiful vine... A blade of grass. Woman and flame. Sacred, old, and living thing. Beast of an alert body who learns its lesson and tries not to forget it. Born to be free, with its own laws and who knows laws no man ever wrote, but merely decoded.”
I was crying as I was speaking; the Lord smiled what I’d call a satisfied, dirty smile and came closer in order to speak into my ear.
“Yes, you are... Of course, you are. Hey, hey... Don’t cry... Don’t cry. It’s good that the young woman knows; it’s never too late to know. What is truly a woman’s is not up to a man to fetch. The one who’s to find it... Once it is time... Is you.” The feeling of his breath spread a slow tickle throughout my body. Sometimes I’d forget the master was a poet as much as myself.
It was fair that he wouldn’t hand me the solutions on a plate. Neither have I ever wanted this and a lot due to that mentality I’d abandoned religion as it’s known and felt like I could get along well without the feeling of what some call faith. Probably because I’d turned back to myself despite the mistakes and the master noticed it; I can’t really tell. But as of today I agree with him and understand that I cannot ask him to turn me into a grown woman. As complementary as those energies are and as much as I appreciate having him with me, it’s not in a man and in what he can give that a woman should recognize herself, or in any other person, for that matter. Both must be addendums to one another. In my case and his, likely him offering love, wanting love, and myself with so much to give, feeling so lonely as a whole and wanting to learn...
Perhaps even before the mentor’s arrival, I’ve been slowly following his advice in making better choices, thinking more calmly, for I was letting myself be pulled by what most made sense, for what lived in my core and it still is thusly, now more than ever. And currently, myself, him and who knows who else, worked together. My intuition, perhaps. As old as being a woman, or even something beyond that. That is why I am free to follow the path opened before me, which takes me to where I want and need to be; towards my truth... Or not.
I inquired whether he’d assist me anyway, and he purred back. In a rather involuntary fashion, I saw myself wrinkling my nose, with my teeth out and my bad hand fisted over his as though it was... A paw. Perhaps it has always been a paw. Long before, only clenched, tight, and now with its claws simply visible. Careful, but no longer retracted.
"Dawn's breaking." said the Lord, looking towards the entrance to the cavern. "Come along, let us see the sun outside." he carried me going east, deeper inside the woods, and as close to the line of the horizon as possible. I asked him to sit me against a large tree, which he did, and I stayed still watching the color of the sky and the direction of the wind change little by little.
“A while ago, after many a day, I felt the sun on my face, mostly one side of it... I have a complicated relationship with the sun, but it was good this time. It felt like a long, warm, and loving kiss. It made me think of you. I’m bad at reading signs, but... I couldn’t help it, albeit I’m likely wrong. It’s just that you are so loving and patient with me... Perhaps I’m just being naive. Don’t mind me.”
He shrugged and crouched to get leveled with my eyes. Stroke that hand of mine that so often reminded me of a paw, although I’d often wish to recoil it and forget that it exists altogether. I’d say it became paw-like much because of that; one rather functionless, but at least not so tightly closed anymore. The lord limited himself to saying I was better at that than many people and knew it. And that I was wiser than I thought. He fixed my hair and sighed.
“You are so quiet, and I’m so talkative. I’m sorry for making you speak so much.”
“There’s nothing bad about it. The young woman is learning how to say what needs to be said and to always speak from the heart. I notice and like that very much.”
“But you like the quiet...”
“Of course...” pause. “Somebody must have told you something about that. I understand it must feel confusing, but I do not mind explaining it. But, being that put, as you might have understood, it’s better when what is good, and even bad, within the soul, comes out in a whisper or a scream rather than being kept inside.” The master chuckled and I nodded.
What I couldn’t find out by myself, I apprehended via other people. As much as I wanted to know him via hands-on experience, I knew how to respect his limits and mine. What he means, as I understood it, is that the quiet he appreciates is like that of the woods – it’s calm and serene, but there’s always something vibrating, being said, however subtly. And that’s what better gets to him. Just like when he came: myself with a miraculously empty mind in that wee hour, but with a word that came out of my mouth from deep within my heart.
I gazed from him to the sky to the soil near me. I felt it with the palm of the hand.
“What now, my liege? I am here, but... Where do I begin?”
He returned my gaze.
“As part of the woods, I’d be here anyhow, most likely, and am here to watch over you and assist you, because I want it and you accept it.” Long pause. “The animals do what they must to live. Be it killing, be it running, be it flying off far and wide, keeping or growling. The young woman is learning and remembering and you have begun the work. Do as you see fit.”
I gazed again, more distracted, at my hand upon the dirt. Then I saw myself stroking it and, after a while, mimicking the Master’s scratching gesture at the cavern. My very gesture upon myself when I’d let anxiety take over. I thought I was going to care about the dirt underneath my nails, but I just went on, with his eyes on me and another intention because... When wasn’t that dirt there, obvious, after I woke up? When was it that I didn’t dig to the deepest and most invisible, or almost invisible?
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