Deja vu - English version

Border between a mile of open field and a dark forest, at sunset, the sunlight peeking dreamily through the leaves. Me, laid upon an ancient tree root, covered in pine needles, with no clue as to how I ended up there and the heart racing because there seemed to be nobody around who could help me go back home. Some kind of survival instinct made me want to cry for help, albeit it was quite unlikely I’d be heard.
However, what amazed me most in all of it was noticing what my body would do right next – still in quite the disbelief, suddenly I saw myself leaning on the tree and standing up with the wobbly balance of a child learning how to walk, which in truth surpassed by a long shot the abilities I had when I was younger. And instead of staggering to the other side in order to get out of there, the sensitive soles of my bare feet took me further into the woods, feeling as though they obeyed me only partially. That scared me not just due to what was happening, but because it was new to walk by myself, feeling the legs much lighter than before, with the dress that slipped off one shoulder tapping over them, my chin up.
Even though everything told me to stop right there, refocus and try to find the way back since it was darkening, I went on as if at least part of me knew exactly what it was doing. Except for a stone or another, I cared nothing for the creatures on the ground, even if it could be a snake ready to attack. A while later I saw myself across from what looked like a clearing and began to think of what to do, focusing only on the sound of some birds chirping on the trees nearby. As usual, concentration left me in a state of relaxation that resembled sleep. Feeling a tickle on one of my arms, opened the eyes slowly and spotted a tiny yellow butterfly landed on it. I tried not to scare it.
- Hi there, pretty one! I swear I’m trying to be brave... – it was when I heard what sounded like steps and again adrenaline ran through my veins, making the butterfly fly away and myself to look around expecting to meet death or something like that. I blinked in the gloom and caught sight of him a few meters ahead.
Graceful like a prince, more than two heads of wild hair taller than me and feet also on the ground, the being with hands behind his back and body at ease who vaguely resembled a man I loved very much sighed with what seemed like relief, opening the most beautiful smile in the world. That smile was like a gift, a gift meant only for me, albeit until then it was something I had claimed from the other person solely from afar. Something clicked in my mind and I knew who that man who had a not-exactly-human aura was. I’d already met him; and seeing him this close, at my eyes’ and hand’s reach, as my equal and at the same time so beyond me, as I knew it would be like with the other one, clouded my sight with tears and bent my knees when he approached the spot where I was with his face battered by the wind.
- Mo thiarna, mo Prionsa, grá mo chroí... - my lord, my prince, my darling. That was all I could say over and over between sobs while I stared at my own hands that held the soil as if I was made of it, which maybe was true. When I dared to look up, I saw my mentor's majestic head cover the moon rays that had begun to peek from behind a cloud, leaving him with something of a halo. He shrugged, casual like a young man only a few years older than myself, came a little closer and streched his hand to me.
Without much thought for I felt a little groggy like when he came to me for the first time, in a dream, and overall I wouldn’t dare touch him even if he allowed me to, I let him help me. I almost fell again, tripping over myself, but he held me up with strength and gentleness; with me limping from my old hip problem, we walked pending a bit to the right and he insisted lovingly and without words that I sat next to him and not on the ground at his feet. I still could feel the chill at the base of the spine that would occur to show me his presence, except now what would give just the delightful and quite vivid impression of an affectionate gesture came from the solid and amorous hand of a friend, a good lover and maybe a father, all at once. It’s always been hard to describe how was it to know that he was around, and at that moment... Him wanting to appear to me, show himself to me, was much more than I thought myself worthy of.
- Sire... I wish neither to doubt nor to question this, just like I didn’t question for itself what I felt when you first came to me, nor your council, company and guidance ever since, but... Is it really you? Whom I talk to before sleep as much as possible, who had and sometimes still does make me feel excited, given in and silly like a woman in love, who comforts me when I cry in the dark, whom I waited for thinking you would not come back anymore because I wanted to know you and honor you, for whom I nowadays put down the tarot cards as means of communication, to whom I perhaps cannot give faith, but trust? – since I was talking faster by the minute and in every language of which I knew at least a little, he just nodded in agreement and stroke my head until my breathing leveled.
- You are... Beautiful. Beautiful like I always thought you would be. Maybe even more so. – he laughed a big, musical laughter that sounded like running water and even blushed a bit. I don’t know if it was for being there with him, the hungers of which only women understand, me noticing the full moon on the sky or all of it, but the longer that hand remained on me, the more I wanted it not to move away, not to leave me. I knew he fancied as much quiet as possible, so I took the effort of not letting myself get carried away by the rest, stand still and focus only on the noises out there... And on his eyes.
After I don’t know how long, just like another time, I heard something like a whistle, but inside my head. I knew it came from him, who was of little words, but it seemed louder, clearer, because my mind felt emptier. I saw him smile in pleasure, like I smiled right after I woke up from that dream trying to understand what I had felt and that to this day it hurts me that it was interrupted. The whistle happened again and again until it became a delicate and unintelligible whisper. My mentor blinked once and I heard another whistle and another whisper. It came and went and I was so quiet that any louder sound, even if just a little, could scare me to death, distressed like a little bird, but he managed to keep me calm.
At the tempo of a slow, deep and consistent draw of breath, the whispered whistle went on and it was like I was in a trance. Along with the known chill, at some point the hand on my head slided towards the space my dress let show and stopped where my heart would be, which I almost asked to be ripped out right there. He already knew how sensitive I was, both in flesh and probably also in spirit, and therefore didn’t get surprised with the sigh he heard from me. I closed my eyes... And my name came. It had already happened to me once, however here the voice was strong and warm like black tea, it was a male voice... His voice. When I opened them again, he repeated my name and I noticed that his lips moved and I could understand him from beyond intuition.
- Welcome! Pleasure to meet you. I am so glad you came. I heard your steps, felt you nearby. You know I already know your tracks. – hearing that left my face warm for a few moments.
- My lord, my mentor, my love... You came to take me because I died? Otherwise, I see no reason why I’d suddenly be... Walking and able to see you aside from feeling you... Not that the opportunity doesn’t flatter me. It’s a pleasure to be here with you... Like this. – I humbly leaned over and rested my forehead on his knee, but soon he pushed me up and lightly pressed my navel and lower back in so as to straighten my posture, slowly and with a minuscule amount of hesitation for someone like him. With a respect I wasn’t used to seeing. My body immediately responded to the touch and now I was looking straight at him while the feeling spread.
He smoothly explained to me that in truth I was more alive than ever. That he thought it was the right time for us to talk in a new way, in a situation where there would be no one else around and he could appear in a form more convenient to my understanding. That if at least there I could walk by myself, it was so because he wanted my body near him as free of its borders as he encouraged my mind and spirit to be. As free and open for something more as I was in the moment I was raptured because that was mine by right.
- The woman who greeted me with affection, as though she has known me for a long time, who received me with her with wisdom and abnegation and wanted me and what I had to offer not out of fear, obligation or duty, but out of free will, curiosity, love, longing for love and had no weight in my arms, so generous in body and soul, there in the moment as much as me... This woman begs for nothing and knows that. She looks at nobody from below and is a slave to nobody, not even herself; she finds her way and takes what is hers. That is the woman I summoned here.
- Yes, sir. Go raibh maith agat, prionsa. – Thank you, prince. – You called for me and I came. And even if I couldn’t have come, this is what I would have desired in my heart.
At some point I was cold and he lit a bonfire. We watched the stars like I haven’t in a long while and this time I didn’t feel that which me and a friend called inverted vertigo, where looking straight at the sky gave me an odd impression of drowning. I felt loved, in good hands. The same ones that took my right hand with a child’s curious gaze.
- Oh, what is this white scar here? – he was referring to one I have at the back of the hand.
- That’s a cat scratch. I had a cat who got scared once and jumped on me, scratching my hand. It scarred because there was a bit of blood. – I gestured with the index finger of the same hand without letting go of his. – The cat also scratched me there almost between the fingers, you see.
- Oh...
- I thought you’d never notice these. They are so subtle. – sometimes even I forget about them unless I look at myself from a certain angle and/or under a certain lighting.
- I see everything. Mostly what is subtle.
- I know. – not everybody cares about what is not easy to see. And not even the most sensitive of men could know it all. But the one by my side was more than just a man and had seen a lot. I said I wanted to hate the cat for making me bleed, but the truth is, it was no one’s fault.
- That’s right. You know you bear your claws too, when you feel cornered. And in some cases, rightfully so. – the first thing that popped into my mind was my reaction to the footsteps I had heard in the woods. I looked at him and all I saw was the fire’s reflection. The reflection of its good side.
- Yeah... I just wish cats didn’t get scared so easily... – the prince laughed with me.
He murmured that I might be a lot like them, because a lioness is a cat, after all. That cats possibly see what other animals might not, just like I was curious enough to wander about the borders of the mundane... As well as getting startled easy.
- Well, then. You don’t scare me, however. I like that. – he agreed sweetly. There was no reason to play victim because I had recognized him and he would never harm me. He lowered his eyes and turned my palm over.
- Oh, a lot of lines here... – I inquired him whether it could be wrinkles out of dry skin. The lord suggested that they might as well be all the crossroads along my way, the bifurcations of my life, even in love, and stroke it smiling. I didn’t question him. What a beautiful paradox he was, that the person he echoed was... That we were. Even a mole shaped like a half moon I had in the inner side of a fingertip didn’t escape him. Who was I to do the same, be it from him or my own destiny?
Time made no sense, got quite suspended when the Mentor was with me or I spoke to him without expecting a reply. Mornings felt like middle of the night, afternoons stretched out, the sun seemed too lazy to rise. Time, of which I still felt afraid sometimes. Without needing to say anything, I was allowed to stay a little longer in the woods. The Lord gave me his arm when it was time for me to go and we walked back to the border exchanging silent delicacies. Upon arriving there, I turned over to him.
- You can’t imagine the pleasure given to me, nor my gratitude for everything, mainly your patience with my questions. I know there’s a lot beyond my understanding, but... – the prince looked me sideways with a mischievous, serene expression and sighed a second time that day. – If you are a deity and I feel that I lack in faith... Why did you come to me, of all people?
- I am what I am, regardless of what one likes to call me. I am for each one what they need me to be, as well. And I know I was very well welcomed into your life no matter what the young woman might say, because you want to grow and you shall grow up from the inside out when it’s due time. We know what makes you stronger and that in this case it doesn’t really have to do with a closed definition of faith. I am in front of a woman who is freer than she imagines, forged in the flames of her instincts. – again he made me blush.
- Who am I to turn down love and help when they come to me? It’s just that... When I think of you and even of that person, the concept and image of a king worthy of his post simply for his existence, deeds and personality is the first thing that pops into my head, more than anything and since forever. Time has shown me there’s no sense in simply submitting to one who doesn’t carry themselves with a nobility that is inspiring to me and which justifies their apparent authority and power over me. They may have my respect as an act of humanity, but not my loyalty, albeit it might be put in the wrong place. Much less so nowadays.
- If that’s it and we own what is befitting to us... I guess a king knows another, like I hear you say it happens to the poets, right? – his voice was so soft, low, calculated and firm that I blinked slowly and at the same time I felt as though I’d break in half with the next word.
- Ah, my liege... Even emperors crumbled when they looked into the eyes of the divine and felt either full or empty of it.
I almost fell to the ground again when His Lordship bent over and decided to mutter into my ear in a little more than a whisper that maybe someone’s nobility and the spark of the divine were two sides of the same coin. I kissed the hand he had offered me in formal greeting and in exchange I was embraced, involved in something from which I would not exit if I could. However, I knew that wasn’t a final farewell.
- Stay with me, sire. Even if I grow weak and think that I’ve disappointed you, that this honor isn’t mine. I am my own and am yours. Please, keep on talking to me however and whenever you see fit. I swear I’ll pay attention. I swear, I swear, I swear... And forgive my talkative manners; I know that a few words sometimes say a lot.
- Your prayers in quietness always get to me, wherever I am, and above my shyness. I’ll stay. I know your affection. – with slight reluctance, we parted and when I looked over my shoulder, there he was with his hands put together and straight back bowing with a wave of the head. I waved goodbye back. He really was a king.
I returned to where I had come from with the feeling that part of that conversation had already happened a few months earlier, before he approached me directly. I smiled at the idea. Deja vu? A small glimpse of the future? Who knows...